Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Just a Few Observations, or, Stabby Tuesday


SPRING. It's "officially" here. What? Did it ever leave? The dogwoods and Bradford Pears (I don't know what they are, that's just what I hear them called) were blooming at the beginning of February. The pollen made it's first appearance somewhere around the middle of February. The temperature? It's been 80 since, well...last Spring. I'm not excited about Spring. Not even a little bit. Why? Because that's all we've been experiencing for the past 4 months and it's miserable. This summer is going to be more than I even want to think about. 2011-2012: The Year Winter Didn't Happen.

SEPHORA. They'll send an email...or twenty. And every single one of them says something along the lines of "Just for you!" or "Look! You Won't Want to Miss This!" or "Hurry!" And it's always just a regular email for regular product and regular price. Not cool, Sephora. I spend more money in your store than I care to admit to myself or others. I'm beginning to feel like this relationship is completely one-sided.

LINEN, SEERSUCKER, WHITE, OPEN TOES, BARE LEGS. No, no, no, no, and no. Easter. Every good Southern girl and boy should know this. If you don't observe Easter, use your best judgment, but February isn't it. I don't care if it is "such a nice day," it's not time. Put it away. Didn't your Mama and your Memaw teach you The Rules? Believe me, I'm struggling with bare legs and open toes. But I just can't.

STICK FAMILIES. This is out of control. No one cares about your stick family with 3 dogs and 17 cats. And we certainly don't care if you all have Disney ears on. Stop it.

TWITTER. Hoo boy. You better brace yourself on this one, because thoughts? I've many. You're welcome.
  :: Long/Short/Curly/Brown/Whatever Hair, Don't Care:: 
What? What does that even *mean*? What does that have to do with anything? It sounds ridiculous.
  ::Sorry I'm Not Sorry:: Yes, I know. I get it. You're sorry you're not sorry. Which makes you sorry. And also makes you sound absolutely absurd. Seriously. No one wants to be friends with a brat, and that's what you sound like. Sorry I'm not sorry.
  ::Keep Calm and...:: Carry on. Eat a cupcake. Throw some glitter. Twirl. Stay Southern. Wear Your Pearls. You know what makes me even more furious when I'm already irritated? Someone telling me to calm down. It's time to stop posting 723 different versions of this. We get it. And what does staying southern have to do with anything? My Memaw was as Southern as they come, and had you met her, you would know that "staying southern" has absolutely nothing to do with staying calm. Most Southern women I know can get spitting mad. But, what do I know, since obviously I'm not staying calm.
  ::Anonymous Twitter Accounts / "Pic Slips":: I don't follow you because I think you're dumb. However, I seem to follow the occasional person who thinks you are cute and retweets you when you are begging for followers so you can do a "pic slip" and show us all who you are. First, what makes you think you are so important and precious that we even care who you are? Second, if what you have to say is so great, why can't you just be who you are and say it? I'm guessing you're probably not even a little bit of what you claim to be. Which makes anything you say pointless.
  ::Belle / Gent Tips:: Seriously? I mean, how did I ever make it this far in life without being given advice by a 20 year old on how I should act and be treated? I know you think this is cute and that you're doing us all this huge favor by helping us know who we should be, but you're wrong. And I won't even talk about how 85% of everything you say is a complete load of garbage. If you're such a gent and treat women so well, why are you spending all of your time on Twitter telling us about it? Shouldn't the Belles be climbing over one another for your attention? I'm willing to bet 90% of you wouldn't know what a real Southern lady is like if she was standing right in front of you.
  ::'Merica:: You talk about how much you love America and how proud and patriotic you are. So why are you disrespecting her by referring to her in this way? And how ironic that those of you who do this are the very same ones providing us with those extremely valuable lessons on how to be a Southern Belle / Gent. It’s America. A.M.E.R.I.C.A. Get it right.

That's enough for today, folks. But only because I need to go readjust my pearls, spray some more hairspray on my big Southern hair, and find a Gent to worship at the altar of my Southern Belleness. 

9 comments:

  1. I am SICK TO DEATH of the Keep Calm things. Keep calm? How about you keep your damn opinions to yourself.

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  2. Well, I totally break bare legs all the time! I do get the rule though. But in Florida? Crazyness! Florida isn't really Southern anyway ;)

    This post really made me laugh :) Thanks C!!!

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  3. The long hair/don't care thing comes from lil wayne lyrics that have to do with ahem, personal grooming. I have an unabashed love for filthy rap songs.

    I am with you 100% on the stick figure thing. Basically you are inviting someone to steal your identity and/or murder you and your family.

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  4. I'm kinda bummed we didn't really experience 4 seasons this year as well. Fall through Christmas here in Charlotte was wonderfully chilly, but since the New Year it's really been Spring-like. While I love it, I'm starting to worry that by June we'll be melting in 120 degree temps. Not a fan.

    I've been breaking the bare legs & peep toes "rules" the last few weeks. Meh. I haven't worn linen or white pants, but I haven't avoided it either. I'm sure I'll break both of those rules before next month as well. It just isn't that big of a deal to me in a year with a late Easter.

    I'm guessing I should be thankful though that I'm deliriously unaware of the Pic Slip, Hair, Belle Tips & 'merica nonsense. Twitter seems to bore me when we're not in football season - I think that's a good thing.

    Hope you're loving your new place! :)

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  5. I have cringed several times recently seeing white below the belt. I don't care that it was already 80 not until Easter.

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  6. ahhhhh stick families!! hate. stabby.

    i'm struggling with the bare legs, too. so hard.

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  7. Stick families are the bane of my existence. I get so unbelievably angry when I seen them when driving, especially when they're on a massive Excursion or Suburban. So gross.

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